The past few weeks have been rough. Rough on Ivan. Rough on me. Rough on our family.
I feel tired. And drained. Both physically and emotionally.
People ask me what they can do to help. My honest answer is I DON'T KNOW. I just don't.
Ivan's "typical behavior" has never been quite like what it has been recently. He has always struggled with social situations. He has always been easily frustrated. He has always used crying and screaming as his main way of communicating.
But lately...I am in shock. My child has changed. The older he gets, the more pronounced his "symptoms" are.
I have had to pick him up from school because of violent behavior.
I have had to go chase him down in the school field because he was upset by something.
I have found him laying on the ground in the fetal position.
I have had to try to pull him out from under his bed, in an effort to get him to go to school.
I have had him scream at me.
I have had him physically hurt me.
I have had him lock me out of my car for 45 minutes.
I have had meetings and more meetings.
I have cried more tears than I care to admit.
I have tried to be patient.
I have lost my temper.
I have "given up" so many times.
I have wondered why me?
I have wondered why Ivan?
I have asked questions after questions.
I have had more than I can handle.
So many questions and not enough answers.
One moment he is a perfectly happy and content. The next he is covering his ears, screaming and agitated.
I love that kid and want the very best for him. Life as a Mom is so unfair. I know what I want for him. But that is just the thing. I know what I want...and yet I am not the one in charge.
So all I can do is keep trying. Keep on keeping on.
I am not writing this post so I can whine or pout. Or so that I can get comments about what a great Mom I am, or how well Ivan is doing. It is just...what is on my heart and mind.